I think a question that I get asked very often, whether directly or in a beat-around-the-bush way, is what it’s like to go through this. In complete honesty, I don’t know how to begin to answer this, but i’m just going to start writing and hope that my words are able to offer some sort of insight.
Last night I had a dream. A dream that Craig came back. I honestly didn’t care how, but he was. It was the best shock, and I went to wake his parents, call his family and friends, and get them over here so we could all share in this miracle together. Every little spot and stray hair on his face was perfectly placed, exactly where it should be. The atmosphere of overwhelming happiness, shock, disbelief and above all love was so real, so palpable. These are the hardest. Not a dream where you’re re-living a memory so you know that it’s not your current reality, but the ones that convince you that they’re real. Because once a single event, a brief moment, changes your life completely once, it’s a lot easier to believe your life can change again just as quickly. And it can. Unfortunately for me, not like this.
These dreams, along with memories that pop up during the day or events that trigger a thought, just seem to leave more questions. Last night made me think: what happens in ten years time – if I continue to remember Craig as he is now – but I get older and look different, what happens then? It’s a funny thought, and I know that largely the question is irrelevant, but this is what it’s like sometimes.. thoughts like this pop up. They make you contemplate the fragility of life, while serving as an abrupt reminder that this really has happened, it’s real, and there’s nothing any of us can do.
I think of myself as a fairly logical person. When working in healthcare and having to diagnose conditions, you have to be logical. So it’s confusing to try to describe the disconnection that is also often felt. I think of the things I feel, things that words fail when trying to string them together, and it doesn’t connect with the logical side of me that knows that he is gone, and he’s not coming back. Ever. It’s a fairly tough place to be caught between.
But it is logic that can maybe help to answer this question of what it’s like, and what it feels like to have gone through and be going through this. To say that it’s the toughest thing i’ve done is an understatement. It’s like when you want to tell someone how much you adore and feel for them but saying the words i love you isn’t enough, because your love for them extends far beyond those words. It’s like that. There are no words to describe these emotions that portray the true feelings and experience. But logically, it’s a lot simpler: i’ve lost the person that I chose to spend my entire with, my best friend. We never chose to be apart, we never gave up on one another or decided to end our relationship. In fact, it was the exact opposite. And unfortunately, as for this situation, we weren’t given a choice. So if you think about that logically, and all that it means and how you think you would feel in this situation, you’re most likely right.
But I don’t want to end on a sad note. Because very often, when I think of Craig, the thought of his passion for life fills my head. And it makes me smile. Craig loved life and had so many plans. Plans to see the world, and plans to change it. When Craig died, we were living our dreams, and i’m so thankful for that. So please, live yours.. I don’t care how many times I say it. Life is honestly too short not to.
“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” – Winnie the Pooh